The Very Secret Diary of Hector Barbossa
by Perosha
Summary: Haven't seen any VSD for Barbossa, so here's one. Complete and utter crack.


**Disclaimer:**_Pirates of the Caribbean _and all related properties are copyright to Walt Disney Studios. I don't own Barbossa...but I'd like him to own _me._ (waggles eyebrows) And yes, his canon first name is Hector. It's on the DVD.  
Inspired by the infamous "Very Secret Diaries" series by Cassandra Claire, and by some similar PotC-themed works, though I've never read one about Barbossa.

* * *

Day 1  
New pirate in town named Jack Sparrow. Claims to have fastest ship in the Caribbean and know location of vast Aztec treasure. Am interested, as the landlady is getting bitchy a/b having rent paid in apples. 

Day 2  
Joined Sparrow's crew. Convinced him to make me first mate. Obv. daunted by my overt intellectual superiority. Threat to run him through and leave his corpse speared to the pub wall also helpful in negotiations.

Day 3  
Set sail for Isla de Muerta w/Sparrow and other miscreants. Brought the apples. Ship indeed v. fast. Treasure supposedly v. shiny. Mood: excited!

LATER  
Sparrow starting to show his true colors. Walks like that even on a ship (!) and makes suggestive hand/mouth gestures when he thinks no one is watching. Hopefully is just touched by the heat.

Day 4  
Caught Sparrow in compromising position w/Bootstrap. Crew v. worried now; keep looking over their shoulders to make sure Sparrow isn't approaching them from behind. Am only one still brave enough to talk to him in close quarters.

Sparrow mentioned something to crew about Aztec treasure being cursed by heathen gods. Was obv. just trying to distract from the real issue.

Am considering mutiny. Sparrow dangerous.

Day 5  
Sparrow was v. touchy-feely during morning nav. meeting. Am going to mutiny. Problem: don't know where Aztec treasure is. Will convince him to give up bearings to Isla de Muerta.

May have to compromise myself to do so.

Ick ick ick.

LATER  
Convinced Sparrow to give up bearings. Had to "persuade" him.

Absolutely must mutiny.

STILL LATER  
Mutinied! Vengeance is sweet. Am captain. Mood: cheerful.

Day 6  
Keeping Sparrow in the brig. Will throw him onto next uninhabited island we come across.

Bootstrap being whiny about mutiny. Fear he may have enjoyed Sparrow's attentions. Note to self: keep an eye on him.

Day 8  
Dumped Sparrow off on tiny island w/his pistol. Only has one shot (lol!). See how long he lasts w/o fresh eyeliner.

Day 10  
Isla de Muerta! V. spooky but in a cool way. Aztec gold v. majestic and shiny. Stone chest strangely unmovable, so we took ½ the gold & will come back for the rest in a bit. For now – Tortuga!

Day 12  
Had trippy dream a/b waking up in the middle of the night & being a rotting skeleton. No more apples before bedtime.

Day 17  
Tortuga. SHOPPING SPREE!

Expenses:

-- figure-flattering overcoat (11 pieces)  
-- new boots (6 pieces)  
-- whores (1 piece/night x 3 whores x 4 nights, 12 pieces)  
-- captain hat (v. flattering, poofy feather, 3 pieces)  
-- dress (wine-colored, 13 pieces)  
-- monkey w/pirate clothes (4 pieces)  
-- apples (1 piece/bushel x 5 bushels, 5 pieces)

Admittedly could have spent more wisely. Dress may not be right size for all future consorts, & monkey was totally unnecessary. Too cute to pass up, though. Named him Jack, har har.

LATER  
Twigg suggested that new hat was overcompensation. Used it as opportunity to train monkey to bite. V. amusing.

Like monkey v. much. Smells better than original Jack.

DAY 22  
Had trippy skeleton dream again. Was not fault of apples as I hadn't had one since lunch. Apples kind of tasteless anyway; must shoot merchant before we leave port.

Some strangeness w/4-night prostitutes as well. Compass points north, but orgy utterly unfulfilling. Also, the blonde stretched out new dress. Mood: irritated.

DAY 24  
Most of the crew has already spent their share of coins. Heading back to Isla de Muerta for the rest. Toying w/idea of making Jack our mascot. If crew takes it badly I can always impale them on something.

DAY 29  
Tempted to swing by tiny island to laugh at Sparrow's rotting carcass, but decided it would be waste of time. Ah well.

DAY 30  
Retrieved rest of coins (Jack even took a couple). I love free money.

Apples still tasteless. V. peeved, as I bought 5 bushels of them. Will shoot merchant when we return to port.

DAY 34  
Skeleton dream AGAIN. V. vivid and real this time. I even got up and looked at myself in the mirror. Might be my subconscious trying to tell me something.

DAY 37  
Back in Tortuga. Shot apple merchant. Did not improve taste of fruit, but I feel better.

Bought perch for Jack. Looked at more dresses but decided to stick w/the old one. Will have another go w/the whores.

DAY 45  
Left Tortuga in fit of disgust. Still sexually frustrated & food does not taste good – think I am falling ill. Thought crew would resist leaving on short notice but everyone seems to be in a bad mood. Off to go plunder some merchant ships or something to distract myself.

DAY 69  
Plundered a merchant ship. Whoo-hoo! Free silk and paprika.

On another note, _Black Pearl _seems to have special fog-inducing powers. Sails also getting tatty but she glides smoothly anyway. V. convenient as repairs are annoying. Fog is a bit confusing but at least it makes an entrance.

Still don't quite feel myself.

DAY 138  
Caught on fire last night while rummaging through sock drawer holding lit candle.

Did not feel it.

Something is wrong.

DAY 140  
Crew & I have come to realization that we have ALL been having "the skeleton dream." Curse on Aztec gold was possibly real.

LATER  
Curse on Aztec gold is definitely real.

Bright side: explains rapid loss of physical sensation, perpetual hunger, thirst, and unfulfilled libido, waning need to sleep, and sudden transformation into hideous rotting skeletons when exposed to direct moonlight.

Downside: See above.

DAY 153  
Resolved to make quitting ourselves of curse #1 priority. Problem: have no idea how to do this.

Mood: desperate (+ hungry/thirsty/horny).

DAY 166  
Have reached logical conclusion that Aztec gold must be returned to chest to counteract curse. Tried to remember how much there was, as we spent almost all of it. Tallied up expenditure records & came up with 882 pieces.

Buggering hell.

DAY 172  
Bootstrap got all snippy about lifting curse. Said something about us deserving it for what we did to Sparrow. Had Jack bite him in special place. He couldn't feel it, of course, but it's on principle.

DAY 201  
Retrieved 12 gold pieces so far. Curse v. agonizing. Mood: not happy.

DAY 204  
Bootstrap still snippy. Made impassioned drunken speech a/b leaving Sparrow to die. Told him if he missed his lover so much we could just toss him onto island where we marooned Sparrow.

Then Bootstrap mentioned he'd sent off a piece of gold to his child in England so we'd be cursed forever.

Mood: enraged (+ hungry/thirsty/horny)

LATER  
Strapped spare cannon to Bootstrap's bootstraps & threw him into ocean. HA-HA.

Mood: smug (+ hungry/thirsty/horny)

DAY 346  
New info on legend of Aztec curse: any mortal who removes a piece of gold from chest must give blood sacrifice as well.

Suddenly regret throwing Bootstrap into ocean.

(Note: Bootstrap - family? He mentioned some wench & a baby sometimes. Still in England? -- HOPE)

DAY 759  
Blew up yet another merchant ship. Didn't get to check wreckage for goods b/c huge naval ship was hanging around too. Most annoying.

DAY 904  
Trying to decide which part of curse is worst. Skeletonism not so bad. Constant starvation & thirst v. torturous, as well as inability to feel anything. Immortality advantageous. Suppose worst bit is sexual frustration. Think it may be affecting my head – am tempted to try on wine-colored dress.

LATER  
Dress, like everything else I put on, goes all tattered & rotty in the moonlight. Also, color does nothing for my complexion, esp. when there is no flesh on my face.

DAY 1,109  
200th gold piece found! Making a countdown chart. V. excited.

DAY 1,478  
441st gold piece found! Halfway there!

Had party on deck to celebrate. Jacoby plays a mean accordion. V. difficult to jig while skeletized but at least buoyant atmosphere was there. Mood: exuberant (+ hungry/thirsty/horny)

DAY 1,664  
Stash of loot at Isla de Muerta getting quite impressive. If we lift curse, we'll be v. rich.

When.

If.

WHEN WHEN WHEN.

DAY 1,951  
Pillaging loses its thrilling edge when you can't die. Hmph.

Also, today's discovery: impossible to play Scrabble w/illiterate pirate crew. However, possible to play Scrabble w/undead pirate money. WTF?

DAY 2,203  
Constant torture of curse makes me angsty. Have turned to writing poetry for relief.

I want an apple.  
And also to get laid.  
And also some wine.

Somehow, haiku does not express the subtle nuances of my eternal torment. Maybe will switch to sonnet form.

DAY 2,589  
Getting really far in collecting gold – Aztec & otherwise. Only have a/b 340 pieces left.

"Only." Ha-ha.

DAY 2,774  
A bizarre series of circumstantial coincidences prompted me to inadvertently reveal to the crew that my first name is Hector. Felt collective respect for me drop 2½ notches. Shot some people in the head to counteract this; not sure if it helped.

Mood: annoyed (+ hungry/thirsty/horny)

DAY 2,991  
200 pieces of Aztec gold left!

Had another celebration. Would have been drunken revel if we could get drunk. Some confusion after the Limb-Swapping Game got too big but we're all sorted out now. Think I might have one of Pintel's fingers on my left hand, though. Will have to ask him a/b it.

DAY 2,992  
Got my finger back. Was covered in tar. Yuck.

DAY 3,327  
Only 100 pieces of gold left! Found a great honking stash of them (30!) in a merchant's shop. Fortune is w/us!

DAY 3,409  
Just did latest tally at Isla de Muerta. Only 1 piece of gold left!

Probably the one Bootstrap sent to his child, though.

Buggering hell.

DAY 3,660  
It strikes me that we could be doomed forever. No sign of last coin – or anybody of Bootstrap's blood, for that matter.

I'm parched & starving &…frustrated. In all ways possible. It's enough to make a man want to kill himself…OH WAIT I CAN'T. Isn't that ironic!

Mood: distraught (+ yadda yadda yadda)

DAY 3,732  
Bored. Bored & undead & miserable. And still only 1 piece of gold left.

Fucking Bootstrap. I'd fucking kill him if he wasn't fucking dead already. Hope he's rotting in Davy Jones's locker or something.

LATER  
Felt summons of last piece of Aztec gold.

_I think I just felt my brain implode a little bit._

Charting a course towards it. Should be there after nightfall.

Mood: OMG OMG OMG!

STILL LATER  
V. joyous & interesting developments!

Course led to Port Royal; boys plundered it & looked for medallion. Pintel & Ragetti brought back a lass who 1) had the last gold piece, 2) is the daughter of Bootstrap Bill, and 3) is really hot.

**WE ARE SAVED.**

(Note: Have gnawing suspicion that lass is not child of Bootstrap, as points 2) and 3) above directly conflict. However, am too giddy to think about this in depth – simply noting it for reference.)

SAVED SAVED SAVED SAVED SAVED.

Day 3,733  
Had dinner with Elizabeth Turner; made her wear the dress. ("Had dinner" - watched her eat. Soooo jealous.) Told her story of curse; might have gotten a bit whiny & annoying actually, b/c she stabbed me to make me shut up. Definitely child of Bootstrap Bill except w/bigger balls. Though she did panic when she met the crew. Locked her in my cabin.

…

…problem: I am still outside cabin.

DAY 3,738  
At Isla de Muerta. Going to go lift curse! Equipment:

1) final piece of gold – check  
2) blood sacrifice – check  
3) latest round of plunder to add to stash – check  
4) apples to eat – check  
5) wine to drink – check  
6) beautiful girl to rape – check (see #2)

My life starts again, from today!

LATER  
The girl wasn't a Turner. Jack Sparrow is alive (& still smells). Lass was rescued by some fops in a stolen navy ship & is still wearing my dress. Also has final medallion.

Mood: UNHOLY RAGE.

DAY 3,739  
Catching up w/_The Interceptor._ Sparrow tried to flirt w/me to earn negotiation rights. Locked him in brig.

LATER  
Had big fight w/_Interceptor. _They filled the _Pearl _w/silverware. So not amused. Blew up _Interceptor; _v. pretty colors.

STILL LATER  
Have real Turner (can't mistake this one; looks just like ol' Bootstrap) + have last medallion + left Sparrow & the hot un-Turner girl marooned on Sparrow's island. See if he can get off there twice.

Ideally, would have hot un-Turner girl w/me, but there was this whole "negotiation" thing w/real-Turner boy. Prolly should have castrated Sparrow to make marooning situation less pleasant, but didn't think of that till just now.

Got my dress back, though. Whoo-hoo!

DAY 3,741  
Back at Isla de Muerta! Going to do it right this time – we're killing the boy instead of just slitting his hand. Am not so desperate as to want to keep HIM alive for raping.

Though he is rather pretty. In an entirely feminine sense.

LATER  
Sparrow is still alive.WHAT the HELL.

Navy chased us here, apparently. Have to wait to lift curse. V. annoying. Also, have agreed to give Sparrow the _Black Pearl _& let him sail under me.

In an entirely nautical sense.

STILL LATER  
Fighting Sparrow. He always was pathetic w/swo—_He just slashed the feather off my hat._

OH HELL NO.

EVEN LATER  
Sparrow stole a coin. We're both immortal now. Anticipate possible deadlock.

…

…aaaaand Sparrow just shot me. Hah. Idiot.

…

…oh fuck.

DAY 3,985  
Woke up in someone's unused guest bedroom, surrounded by weird crap. Am v. confused since Sparrow shot me dead a moment ago. Have bullet wound in chest…but am…still breathing?

At least curse is lifted. Score!

LATER  
Location: Tia Dalma's Voodoo Love Shack. Tia Dalma v. pretty, even w/teeth worse than mine. Says she has magic powers & apple fetish.

STILL LATER  
Note to self: thank Sparrow for shooting me.

DAY 3,998  
Woke up from nap to find Jack chirruping at my feet. Apparently Sparrow visited earlier & traded him to Tia Dalma for a jar of dirt. Idiot.

Jack is still undead. Ah well. Can't do anything about it now. Good to have him back. Mood: happy (+NOT hungry/thirsty/horny!)

DAY 3,409  
Sparrow went and got himself eaten by the Kraken. Idiot.

Tia Dalma wants me to guide Sparrow's friends to the World's End to find him. Decided not to tell her I've never been there; would spoil the mood. Going downstairs to ask after _Pearl. _

LATER  
_Pearl _eaten by Kraken too. Grr.

On plus side, expressions on everyone's faces when I came downstairs - priceless. Was tempted to make bad joke a/b "looks like you've seen a ghost" but refrained. Took dramatic bite of apple & laughed triumphantly instead.

Off sailing now. Will record further updates in captain's log.

(Note to self: find reliable map of the World's End A.S.A.P.)


End file.
